Bionic Lady Rescues Wise Advice Chief and Staff!

This just in from Halifax:

Wise Advice chief, HRM (AKA Lablady) and her staff canine, Opal, were rescued on Mumford Road  by Bionic Lady late yesterday afternoon. Ms. ‘S’, better know as Bionic Lady because of her nifty titanium prosthetic leg, noticed  Wise Advice and her trusty pooch trying to navigate home from the Mumford bus terminal. Realizing that there was no way that the self-proclaimed queen of advice-giving would be able to navigate the narrow, windy, and perilously slippery snow tract which pedestrians had created to  replace the sidewalk, Bionic Lady cleverly guided the guide dog and Wise Advice (who tucked in behind the dog) through the rough terrain to safety. Their victorious survival story was recorded by CBC TV crews who happened by on their way to film other snowstorm cleanup and disaster stories all over Halifax.  It seems that Saturday’s storm hit HRM by surprise. The official line from the city is that they had not contracted the snow-clearance teams to work before November 30th and “were caught by surprise” (this despite  the statistics which show that Halifax has recorded snow in November almost every year in its history). Bionic Lady said  to CBC reporter, Mindy Ming, “It’s a bitch out there, ya know? They haven’t even cleared out the bus stops at major intersections yet. The curbs downtown are like, gone”. Wise Advice said she had serendipitously been traveling on the same bus as her neighbour, Bionic Lady. “Yeah, I was standing next to the driver all the way to Mumford terminal with Opal ’cause there was no way those young kids were going to give up their seats for me or anyone else. It gave me a chance to have  a nice chat with the driver, though.  The driver told me (when he wasn’t stopping to dig snow from his bus’s doors at bus stops, so they could close properly), that 48 hours after the snow  storm,  not one street in HRM is plowed properly and even bus stops at busy, main intersections are inaccessible,  and  that there is no way the ALF buses  could  deploy their ramps for the wheelchair users anywhere”.

“Guess they’re  (wheelchair users) screwed for getting to work this winter” the driver announced grimly as he drove his  bus around a string of  cars stuck in a mid-road snowbank. “I feel like Superman and MacGyver all rolled into one” he announced with pride. “Yeah, I had to pull two people out from UNDER my bus who had slipped off the snowbanks as they tried to get on board at a couple of un-cleared stops.  AND I made a nifty shovel out of my lunch pail so that I can dig the doors out when they get stuck!” he added excitedly. Wise Advice told Mindy Ming that she should take the film crew over to city hall and film the undoubtedly well-cleared parking lot there, and interview the mayor and council as they emerge from ‘work’. “Maybe shove a camera in their face and ask them if any of them have time to do double duty as chauffeurs to the thousands of elderly and persons with disabilities in Halifax who are at risk of not accessing medical appointments, employment and necessary  travel because of the dumb asses’ decision that  it’s OK to gamble and allow un-contracted snow crews to get  caught with their ski-doo pants down.  Environment Canada is forecasting rain in the  HRM area for the next couple of days. Prediction? Ice slicks where sidewalk snow paths exist, and ice mounds at curbs. This equals lawsuits and liability. It would have been cheaper just to clean up the snow in the first place, rather than pay for all those broken bones and physiotherapy.” She left for home with Bionic Lady to have a cup of tea.

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3 responses to “Bionic Lady Rescues Wise Advice Chief and Staff!

  1. Good article, Helen, and written with your usual wry humour (a good thing). The street I live on is short, a “lane” actually — but last Saturday’s so-called plowing job has motorists slowed down to such a crawl that by the time you’ve navigated your way through it, you feel like you’ve done Forty Miles of Bad Road. (Thanks Duane Eddy. See Wiki, YouTube, etc.) And thank goodness for bionic women, eh?

  2. Duane Eddy?!!! Why didn’t I think of that song…you know how I love to use pop culture references…no matter how old…and obviously, as you have pointed out to me before, using the elypsis (sp?) to excess.

  3. I’ll remember this article next time I think I’ve had a bad day. Thank God for people like MacGyver, Superman and the Bionic Lady.

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